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Amorphous

By : November 14, 2020 Comments Off
Despite having not spoken to her in months, my mother had found out about my engagement. I remember not even being surprised. My family  collectively has a big mouth, which first became evident when my mother outed me to every person who would listen to her once I came out as bisexual my freshman year of high school -  and every iteration of my coming-out since - and later was solidified when my entire extended family found out about my suicide attempt before I was even out of the hospital. I hadn’t spoken to my mother in several years at that point. I wonder if she knows about the attempt. But when she came to my graduation, she congratulated me on my engagement, even though that was the first time
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Cutting Ties

By : October 12, 2020 Comments Off
I miss my mom when I eat angel hair pasta or hear Martina McBride playing. I miss her when my friends talk about spending time with their moms. I cried the other day at my best friend's house when her mom asked us if we would help her set up for a dinner party. I stood in their kitchen with tears running down my face because that was something my mom always used to ask me to help with.  My mom and I are working on our relationship. In the first fifteen years of my life, we were best friends. I loved her more than anything in the world. I thought she was perfect, flawless, invincible. It’s a really strange feeling when you grow up and realize that your parents
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My Mother: A Haunting

By : September 9, 2020 Comments Off
my mother is all silk skin and broken knuckles. when i was younger, i would count the wrinkles on her fingers and the lines across her palm. i wanted to know why she had more lines than i did. i never figured it out. my mother is all soft rain and wet grass. her hair hangs to the base of her neck and her smile stretches to the left more than to the right. i think mine stretches more to the right. my mother doesn’t like things out of order. every nail polish, every empty shoe box, every ripped open envelope has its place.  even people had a place. she taught me the importance of silence, the value behind a closed door and i had practiced so much that even
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One Foot In The Closet

By : September 9, 2020 Comments Off
“God,” I thought, “I really wish I could share my acceptance into the Writer’s Cohort with my family.” I had already told everyone else important to me. As with all the happenings in my life, I told my lovely partner first, who I owe both my morning laughter and my bedtime stories to. He was delighted to hear the news and will probably be just as delighted to read of his mention in my first, but certainly not last piece for MyUmbrella. Next, I told my therapist and friends, whose resounding praise still rings in my ears as I sit and write. Two important people are somehow always missing when I try to tell the story of my queer experience: my parents.  My parents were born in 65’ in the
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How Moving out Helped me Heal

By : July 19, 2020 Comments Off
Living in a toxic household comes with many things. You feel like you can never trust anyone; like you can love or be loved; like you don’t deserve anything. You feel stuck. You try to find places and things to make you feel safe. For me, it was writing.  I could create any world I wanted where the hero would face the same problems I did but always came through at the end. The main character became my role model. She would go through everything I went through: abusive parents, a toxic household, feeling left out at school, being in the closet and, many other things. Unlike me, my main character would be able to overcome these obstacles. It was something that I longed for but couldn’t do.  I felt
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My Family Was Ready to Communicate, but I Wasn’t

By : July 15, 2020 Comments Off
Regard this statement as fact, rather than with pity: I have always been the outlier in my family. While every child feels like this at some point during adolescence, it seems to be a stronger feeling among those that grew up in the 90s until now. This stronger feeling must be provoking stronger actions if the complaints from parents and older siblings are true: teenagers and children today isolate themselves more than previous generations.  Over the years, the stereotype of an angsty, explosive teenager among an otherwise friendly suburban family has evolved into a teenager that simply doesn’t express themself at all. Said teen’s family is completely out of the loop, unsure if their child is depressed, angry, wondering if they have any interest in the world at all. The
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