On The Journey Toward A More Authentic Me

The journey is different then I thought it would be. Words like untethering and authenticity kept pushing me to pack.

It’s a different, new kind of day,
My life is changing.
I am transforming.
Both are packed in the same suitcase,
Waiting.
Struggling.
Hoping.
What will the future be in all it’s infinite possibilities
As we’re about to embark on a journey;

A journey toward a more authentic me. 
The journey is different than I thought it would be.
Words like untethering and authenticity kept pushing me to pack.
A chance to live the best life you can.
A chance for my mind and body to heal.
A chance for love and growth.
Maybe even a chance to be truly happy.
But, wait they said I can only pack five things.
I panicked.
I pondered.
Then I knew exactly what those five things had to be.

My Past;
It takes up a lot of room in the suitcase.
Sometimes the rest of us wonder why it is there,
Especially since it was full of dysphoria, pain, hurt, discrimination, hate, and trauma.
But there were good memories too,
Memories I don’t want to forget. 
Memories that help me.
Help me to remain connected to my ancestors and their stories.
To continue to heal and grow from it,
To let go of the shame we have from it. 
And to remember,
I am strong and able to overcome and obstacle that comes my way.
That’s why my past has a place in the suitcase.
That is why we shook hands,
Knowing we had to take the journey together.

My lifelines;
Art,
My wife,
My family,
Music,
Movies,
Natures,
Water,
Creativity,
Photographs,
Quality Time;
There was no question about it.
I wouldn’t be today without them.
This journey needs them.
They are my helping breath and light along the way.

My belief that I, myself, am sacred and holy;
A space in the suitcase connected to wonder and desire.
Yes, Sacred;
Yes, Holy;
So, that I may value and prioritize 
Self Care.
Self Love.
Kindness;
Gentleness;
Self Esteem.
My body in its authentic identity as a man.
A man who didn’t get to fully overcome the obstacles to transition the way he dreamed.
A man who carries the shame below the neck as he passes dreadfully anxious of being found out.
A man who had to define his own path to put down the ideation 
By redefining what being a man meant when perceptions, plans, and hopes are stopped coldly in their tracks. 
A man that still was sacred & holy deserving of self-care and self-love.
Just the same as all aspects of my being are held as nothing other than holy.
I wonder what it would be like to reach the end of this journey,
I wonder if I can actually believe these things about me.
I wonder can I actually value and love myself.
Right now, it seems so far away
But, I believe it’s possible because we are already on our way. 

Voice;
My voice;
Because I know what it’s like to not have one for far too long..
To not be able to use it;
To not be heard when it is used;
I never want to go back there again. 
A journey to me without my voice is not a journey I want to take.
It is not a journey leading to a more authentic me.
It would just be a journey leading to another version of me they are seeking.
It is settled,
My voice is coming.
No negotiations. 

Belief in where this journey is taking me;
A belief that brings me 
Hope.
Joy.
Possibility.
Chances.
Growth.
Self Discovery.
Connection.
Freedom.
Love.
And
A belief that led me on this journey toward a more authentic me to begin with. 


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