It’s Okay to Not Know

Maybe it’s more than just, “Of course women are beautiful” or, “Female friendships are just closer than male,” or even, “Who doesn’t want to ‘kiss a girl’ like the song says."

I grew up in the midwest with zero open queer folk around, which led to me having to figure out where I fall on the spectrum of human sexuality a little bit late. I thought I was odd. Not normal. I mean, who doesn’t know they aren’t straight until their late twenties, or later? Turns out that the more I talk about it, the more common it seems.

I feel grateful for my move to a liberal city in my early twenties and the exposure  it gave me to all different sorts of people. I was married to a man at 19 and had a baby at nearly 21. Shortly after that divorce, I met another man and was with him during all of my struggles with self identity. 

In the midst of some time spent apart, I had a one night stand with a man. It was just awful. I felt terrible during this encounter and afterward broke down to my female friend, who happened to be a girl I had a crush on and even fooled around with. I cried to her that night,  “Maybe…maybe I am just gay!”

It has been a turning point for me, at 27. Maybe it’s more than just, “Of course women are beautiful” or, “Female friendships are just closer than male,” or even, “Who doesn’t want to ‘kiss a girl’ like the song says.” My realization of myself has been a fluid journey, flowing into a deeper understanding of who I am, and of my sexuality in general. 

I recently got out of a long term relationship with a woman I loved very much and was very attracted to. After our relationship came to an end, I have found myself dating people of many genders. Cis and non-cis, too. What can I say? I dig a human’s energy, their priorities and values, and their maturity.

So that’s it. Am I pansexual? I don’t really know, nor do I care. It’s okay to not know.


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