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Questioning Happiness

I had a problem with labels. They hurt my head and made me anxious. How could you know me before I know myself? I didn’t know that was happening at the time, but I can tell now. My younger self was scared.

What does it mean to come out if you’re not sure who you are? I spent two years chasing after a boy who didn’t like me back when I was in middle school, all the way into my freshman year of high school. In my sophomore and junior year, I “fell in love” with another boy. During my senior year and in college, I experimented. In my head I kept thinking, I don’t like girls, I’m just a hormone-harboring teenager, what’s new? 

I ended my freshman year of college with a girlfriend. A serious one, too. I mean, we fell in love, hard. Facetime calls never-ending, I was totally immersed in her. I thought she was immersed in me, but that’s a whole other story. Both of us were convinced that we were the only girl the other would ever love. Ever. Even the people around me had admitted that they knew I liked girls even before the thought had entered my head. 

I had a problem with labels. They hurt my head and made me anxious. How could you know me before I know myself?  I didn’t know that was happening at the time, but I can tell now. My younger self was scared. This was a new world to me that I was barely ready to accept. It took me maybe 3 years to finally admit to myself that I actually liked girls; it wasn’t just this girl, it was all girls. When we broke up, I thought my world had ended. But a new world was established, one where I can be authentic, me. 

I went through a heartbreak that shattered my being and ruined me in ways I don’t want to admit. But when the monsters and their leader left, I felt nothing but love from within. Living a life where you know who you want or what you want is so important. There were days where I was speeding down the 280, and I would be smiling the entire way. Just happy and indulging in myself. I am happy.


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