fbpx

Questioning Happiness

I had a problem with labels. They hurt my head and made me anxious. How could you know me before I know myself? I didn’t know that was happening at the time, but I can tell now. My younger self was scared.

What does it mean to come out if you’re not sure who you are? I spent two years chasing after a boy who didn’t like me back when I was in middle school, all the way into my freshman year of high school. In my sophomore and junior year, I “fell in love” with another boy. During my senior year and in college, I experimented. In my head I kept thinking, I don’t like girls, I’m just a hormone-harboring teenager, what’s new? 

I ended my freshman year of college with a girlfriend. A serious one, too. I mean, we fell in love, hard. Facetime calls never-ending, I was totally immersed in her. I thought she was immersed in me, but that’s a whole other story. Both of us were convinced that we were the only girl the other would ever love. Ever. Even the people around me had admitted that they knew I liked girls even before the thought had entered my head. 

I had a problem with labels. They hurt my head and made me anxious. How could you know me before I know myself?  I didn’t know that was happening at the time, but I can tell now. My younger self was scared. This was a new world to me that I was barely ready to accept. It took me maybe 3 years to finally admit to myself that I actually liked girls; it wasn’t just this girl, it was all girls. When we broke up, I thought my world had ended. But a new world was established, one where I can be authentic, me. 

I went through a heartbreak that shattered my being and ruined me in ways I don’t want to admit. But when the monsters and their leader left, I felt nothing but love from within. Living a life where you know who you want or what you want is so important. There were days where I was speeding down the 280, and I would be smiling the entire way. Just happy and indulging in myself. I am happy.


Did you enjoy this story? Subscribe to our weekly newsletter to find out when new stories are published.

Learn how to join our Writers Cohort here.

Follow us:

Join Us

My Umbrella Writers Cohort

Related Posts

Growing up LGBTQ+ in a Small Town

Being away from the negative people in my community and being by myself in my room most of the time has made it a bit easier I would say. Definitely not a piece of cake though.

Telling Our Stories

Reading the messages that my readers send me is one of the best parts of my day and they motivate me to keep writing.